By Bianca Li
So……I’m on another date. I’m having THE. BEST. “TIME”. OF. MY. LIFE.
It’s midnight. Round 5. Nice, hard, pounding sex. Simple. Doggy-style (I’m in front this time). And, we decide to use a nice bottle of “warming lubricant” (a.k.a. sex lube).
It’s one of those rare occasions where I’m having 20 orgasms being stimulated in two different places (If you’ve never experienced this before, I highly recommend it). So, pound, pound, pound. Jackhammer. Great. Quick, deep thrust = loud scream. WRONG HOLE, @$$H013!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Literally.
I blacked out. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life! No joke. I blacked out.
When I woke up, I confronted the Clowntown, and asked him why he raped my butt. To which he claimed, “it was an accident”. Really? Then, why did you lube my @$$h013?? And…this was not the first time we’ve had this “accident” But, he’s cute, so I believed him. You know how it is. When they’re cute, you’re more likely to believe what they say, but I need another opinion…Was this an accident? What do you think?
by Bianca Li
As you know, we pirates have long been underrepresented and remain a marginalized (not to mention villainized) group in society. Changing the most often unfair representation of pirates in pop culture remains one of the top challenges of our group. Now, at least in Europe, we will finally be represented.
In June, there will be 20 candidates running for seats in the European Parliament under the skull-and-crossbones flag of the Swedish Pirate Party. Yes we can!
“Our goal is to have a country that’s not divided by race. And my impression, as I travel around the country, is that that’s the kind of country that most people want, as well, and that we all have prejudice, we all have certain suspicions or stereotypes about people who are different from us, whether it’s religious or racial or ethnic, but what I think I found in the American people, I think there’s a core decency there, where if they take the time, if they get the time to know individuals, then they want to judge those individuals by their character.”
BARACK OBAMA, Larry King Live, Oct. 19, 2006
Kerstin Sjoden reports (Wired):
http://blog.wired.com/27bstroke6/2009/03/the-pirate-part.html
by Bianca Li
First of all, this is a true story. I have witnesses. The L.A. dating scene can get pretty weird.
I went to Cabo Cantina for a friend’s birthday last night. Saw a good-looking guy…started dancin’, drinking, taking pictures w/ friends (to post on Facebook), and watching the Asian baseball game (in which he thought I was playing Third). Anyway, long story short: Boy meets girl. Girl goes home with boy. We get to his place. Everything’s going well. I think he’s attractive, I’m obviously attractive, and we wanna hook up……The after-bar deal at his place is getting pretty romantic at this point. The ambiance was perfect: There was a partly eaten half a sandwich on the counter, his roommate was in the living room with a girl, and their dog was sniffing my crotch.
Good boy.
We go into his bedroom. He looks at me with his piercing blue eyes and brushes hair gently off my face. He leans in for a kiss…and …his face — as gorgeous as it was — smelled like urine. Literally. WTF??? “You want some toilet paper?”, I ask. And, he gets TOTALLY offended! Dude starts yelling at me..telling me he doesn’t want to touch me. And, I’m getting really pissed because, hello???, he’s the one who smells like piss!
Look, buddy, I don’t know what you’re into, but you need to wash your face.
What a clown!
Goober. See you on Clowntowns.
(Should I wait one or two days before calling?)
Here’s a lead for an opportunity to make some cash on the side:
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/evg/1066119606.html
“Clown needed for Adult Birthday Party (Rancho Cucamonga)”
I played hookie (pun intended) from work today, so I decided to do something productive with my time and publish a post on Clowntowns.com.
My friend, Lola, is here with me because she just got laid off. This got me thinking…With the economy being as bad as it is and with many Americans losing their jobs and savings accounts spiraling into the abyss with the Dow, the only appropriate response would be to leverage your God-given assets and…Pirate! (“Pirate” in this case is used in its verb form).
I suggest taking your severance check and investing in yourself. Why not build a wardrobe with definite returns??? Here are some recession-proof tips to collecting staples for your closet.
First, invest in professional wear. Tight-fitting pants to showcase your C.T. are a DEFINITE must. These are one of my faves:
As you fashionable ladies know, from watching Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s and reading Teen Vogue, The Little Black Dress (aka “TBD”) is a definite must in a fashionable girl’s closet. Here’s a great example of a figure-fitting piece from a well-known designer:
For footwear….Boots are tres chic currently…Especially for those nights you feel like hitting up Saddle Ranch to ride the mechanical bull. These pair are classic and will fit into any wardrobe:
Last, but definitely not least, accessorize! You must not and cannot attend an evening gala without the appropriate clutch or minaudiere. Please, ladies, let’s leave the oversized bags for daytime use. Here is something more appropriate when searching for your soul mate at a Hollywood nightclub:
Tada!
All aboard!
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